20 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

Written by Dorothy Cundangan
Last updated - November 19, 2023

Final edit by Dorothy Cundangan

Finding ‘the one’ is a significant milestone in anyone’s life, and it’s often an experience filled with moments of sheer joy and excitement.

You’ve gone on your first date. You’ve gotten to know each other better. You both worked out whatever problems you may have faced. But what happens when you feel like it’s time to marry?

The decision to get married is critical and can shape your future with boundless joy and fulfillment. Yet, like any significant choice, it comes with its weight of responsibility. A misstep could lead to a life of regret and frustration.

Before you say “I do,” you should take a step back and ask yourself some essential questions before getting married. These questions will help you lay the foundation for a solid and lasting marriage.

Asking these questions isn’t about finding the ‘perfect marriage’ but making an informed decision based on a deep understanding of your partner’s hopes, dreams, and values.

Top 20 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

1. What does an ideal marriage look like to you?

This question serves as an icebreaker. It reveals much about your partner’s values, expectations, and goals.

It directs your thoughts on the emotional and practical aspects of a healthy and thriving marriage. You can learn what your future spouse sees as the cornerstone of a strong, loving, and long-lasting marriage.

2. Do you want kids, and how many?

Knowing how many children your partner wants to have is also crucial. You should be aware so you are not taken off guard after you say I do.

This topic should be brought up early on, even in the first few months of dating. If you and your partner have opposing views on this issue, this is a critical discussion because it will significantly impact your future together.

3. Where do you want to live?

Discussing your intended residence location is an essential step before getting married. It’s an important consideration since, as the phrase goes, ‘a bird and a fish may love each other, but where would they build a home?’

What part of the country, perhaps even the world, do you want to call home? Is living in the city, the countryside, or the suburbs better? These options warrant thorough discussion.

4. What are your financial goals, and how do we handle our finances?

Money is essential in a relationship; it allows you to achieve numerous goals. Knowing that your partner has financial goals and a well-thought-out plan for earning, allocating, and saving money is essential.

Furthermore, gaining insight into your partner’s financial personality is pivotal. Are they inclined towards prudent savings, or do they tend to be more of a spender?

Understanding their investment preferences and goals is also critical. Investigating joint accounts and how financial responsibility will be divided. It would be best to evaluate whether one partner prefers to handle finances or whether both partners share responsibility. A rotation system might be more appropriate.

5. How do we resolve conflicts?

Understanding how you and your partner handle conflict is essential for effective communication. Knowing your differences can help avoid misunderstandings and promote a more peaceful relationship.

One reason for marriage conflicts is that “opposites attract,” as Family Life puts it. Your spouse brought excitement, spice, and difference to your life that it didn’t have before.

But after being married for a while (sometimes a short while), the differences that were attractive might become repulsive.

In other words, the things that make your partner unique and exciting can also be the things that drive you crazy sometimes. This often leads to ‘small irritations’ that would not have caused difficulties in the first place. For example:

- Disagreements about who should perform what tasks and who should leave dishes in the sink

- Dissatisfaction with a partner’s noisy snoring, which interferes with sleep

- Disagreements about what to watch on TV or who controls the remote

- Irritation about specific habits or behaviors (e.g., nail-biting, loud chewing, snoring)

- Irritation over how your partner leaves the toilet or uses the toothpaste

Effective conflict resolution is rarely taught, but it is essential for a happy marriage. In such cases, would you be willing to discuss tactics for establishing common ground and making compromises?

6. What kind of wedding do we want to have?

This is an important topic because your vision for the wedding ceremony may differ significantly from your partner’s.

You may want an intimate wedding celebration with family and close friends, whereas your spouse may have grander aspirations that exceed your expectations.

This allows you to blend your preferences and plan a wedding that reflects your collective desires. It’s an opportunity to create a celebration that speaks to both of your hearts.

7. How are we going to handle the holidays?

If you’ve established that you deeply value special holidays, you’ll have to agree on how to spend those days. More importantly, with whose?

One option is a rotating arrangement where you celebrate with each side of the family. Another option is to divide the holidays, so you spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other. You can also combine traditions from both families or create new ones.

Open discussion about holiday plans is essential to establishing harmonious traditions. Make sure to talk to your partner and both sets of parents about their expectations and priorities. Be willing to compromise and find solutions that work for everyone.

Here are some additional tips for handling the holidays:

- Be flexible and creative. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. Identify the best approach that works for your family’s needs and traditions.

- Communicate openly and honestly. Do not assume your partner or both families will understand or get it. Let them know what you think and feel.

- Be willing to listen to their perspectives as well.

- Be willing to compromise.

- Focus on what’s important. The holidays are about spending time with loved ones and creating cherished memories. Don’t let the stress of planning and logistics get in the way of enjoying those moments.

8. How often do you want to have sex?

There is no right or wrong answer to this question. What matters is that you and your partner are open and honest about your wants and needs.

You must also be adaptable and understanding, as your sexual frequency may fluctuate due to stress, employment, health, and family circumstances. It’s undeniably crucial to understand how these factors may affect your sexual relationship.

This question aims to find a frequency that works for both of you and makes both of you happy. If you’re having difficulty communicating about sex or are unhappy with your sex life, consider seeing a therapist or counselor.

9. How much socializing is allowed outside the marriage?

Your social preferences may differ from those of your partner. You might enjoy social gatherings and mingling with others, whereas your partner might prefer more intimate conversations.

How will you ensure a balance so that both parties feel comfortable and supported? Open conversations about your social interaction preferences help to create a supportive environment. You can also do the following:

Be supportive of each other’s social activities, even if you don’t always share your partner’s interests in social events.
Be willing to compromise and come up with ideas that benefit both of you.
Respect your partner’s preference to stay at home or need for alone time. You must also appreciate your partner’s wish to attend social activities. However, you must be aware of the time you spend apart. Too much time spent on your interests can create a distance between you and your partner. Everything should be done in moderation.
If your partner has concerns about your socializing, reassure them of your commitment to the relationship and your boundaries.

10. What will our parenting styles be?

Parenting is a huge responsibility; you and your partner must be ready. You and your partner must discuss various parenting styles to select one you both agree on or if you even want children at all.

When discussing parenting methods with your partner, consider the following questions:

How do you propose disciplining our children?
What are your views and values? How do you intend to instill these values in our children?
What are our educational goals for our children?
How do you intend to balance your job and family life?
How do you want to manage parental disagreements?

You and your partner must also talk about your childhood experiences and how they have shaped your parenting views. This can help you understand each other’s perspectives and find common ground.

11. Are we going to have joint accounts?

According to The Atlantic, it is a typical trend that when people marry, their financial situations usually do as well.

Some couples assume that all financial responsibilities are shared, while others find the concept unappealing. Whatever choice you make, remember that no choice is inherently wrong. Make sure you are financially on the same page before committing to something big like marriage.

Joint accounts can be a great way to manage your finances and build a shared financial future.

However, you and your partner must understand the pros and cons of having joint accounts and decide if it is what you both want.

Here are some of the pros and cons of having joint accounts:

Pros:

It is easier to handle your finances with a joint account since you can see and track your spending in one place. It might make budgeting and saving for your shared financial goals easier.
Having a joint account means you both are responsible for the account’s debts and liabilities. It can be helpful when one of you is experiencing financial difficulties.
With a joint account, both of you can contribute to your shared financial goals, such as saving for a down payment on a house or retirement, etc.

Cons:

Joint accounts mean you and your partner can see the account balance and transaction history. This can be a problem if one partner could be better at spending or saving money while the other isn’t.
Having joint accounts means that you have less control over the budget. You can both make withdrawals and spend money from it when you want. It can be problematic if one partner overspends or your financial priorities differ.
If one partner has debt, the other partner may be accountable for that debt if it is linked to the joint bank account.

If you’re considering opening a joint bank account with your partner, you should carefully weigh the pros and cons. You should also discuss your financial objectives and priorities with your partner.

12. Who stays home with the children, or will they go to daycare?

Childcare arrangement is an essential consideration for couples considering marriage. It would be best to decide whether one of you will stay home with the kids or whether daycare is preferable.

This decision considers practical concerns such as financial feasibility, career advancement, emotional well-being, and lifestyle changes. Understanding each other’s childcare perspectives and expectations creates a safe and supportive environment for your future family.

13. What is your love language?

Understanding each other’s love language is a very informative subject to consider before getting married. It dives into how you and your spouse express and receive love in your unique ways.

The idea, popularized by the book “The Five Love Languages” written by Gary Chapman, divides these love languages into five categories:

Acts of service
Words of affirmation
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch

Knowing and sharing your partner’s love language can lead to a stronger emotional connection and pave the way for more meaningful and gratifying interactions in your marriage.

Related:

14. What is your personality type?

Understanding your partner’s personality type, as described by frameworks such as the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator (MBTI), can help you understand how you both see and interact with the world.

Knowing your personality type and your partner’s will significantly enhance your understanding of each other. It provides insightful information on communication styles, problem-solving skills, and even possible areas of compatibility or difference.

If you are an introvert and your partner is an extrovert, you may have opposing views on how you spend your time and socialize. You may also process information and make judgments in different ways.

Understanding your partner’s personality type allows you to appreciate their point of view and learn how to connect with them more effectively. You may also want to look at their attachment style, as this can greatly affect how they deal with stressful situations.

However, keep in mind the nuance in every person. There is no one-size-fits-all label for anybody. Take this more as a general guide to peer deeper into what makes your partner the unique person that you love.

15. What will we teach our children if we practice religion?

If you and your partner practice different religions, deciding how to raise children is necessary. How will you address religious upbringing, for example, if one partner is Jewish and the other is Christian?

This is a subject that relationship coaches and specialists frequently advise on. Address it early to develop a happy family that respects both partners’ beliefs and values.

16. How do we balance extended family involvement in our marriage?

The extended family typically consists of relatives, including grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and in-laws.

Unlike the traditional nuclear family, which typically consists of parents and their children, the extended family encompasses a broader kinship circle.

They play significant roles in supporting, sharing traditions, and contributing to overall social and emotional well-being.

However, Phoenix Men’s Counseling says it’s important to set boundaries with extended family and to put your marriage first unless there is a serious emergency.

This doesn’t mean that you have to cut off your extended family. It means you and your partner must discuss your relationship dynamics and set some ground rules.

Understanding each other’s points of view and presenting a united front while talking with extended family members will help to create a peaceful and balanced marital relationship.

17. How do we prioritize quality time?

A happy and successful marriage requires quality time.

One of the advantages of spending quality time with your partner, according to marriage.com, is that it helps to “keep the passion alive.”

Couples can connect emotionally and spiritually when they spend quality time together, which enhances their bond.

It’s important to intentionally set aside dedicated, meaningful time for each other amid the responsibilities of daily life. Quality time is about giving your undivided attention to your partner and expressing love and affection.

Quality time is about giving your undivided attention to express love and affection. Verywellmind states that spending quality time requires you to put down or turn off your devices and focus on your partner.

It could be as simple as having a heart-to-heart with your partner or doing something you both love.

18. How do we support each other during challenging times?

Going through difficult times is a normal part of any relationship. Couples can face challenges in any area of life, personally and together.

During these difficult times, remember that you’re a team. By standing together and supporting each other, you can navigate the challenges more effectively and strengthen your relationship’s foundation.

It can help you manage your expectations during tough times and avoid being surprised by your partner’s reaction.

Keith Flynn defines relationship support as “being present and a good listener, not constantly standing in judgment, and having a sincere and caring disposition” toward your spouse. It implies listening to your spouse without passing judgment and being their shoulder to cry on when necessary.

19. What is your view on traditional gender roles?

Gender roles shape the responsibilities of a woman or a man in marriage.

Traditionally, men are the breadwinners and financial supporters of the household, while women are mothers and homemakers (11 Examples Of Traditional Gender Roles, marriage.com).

However, these traditional gender roles have changed significantly in recent times. Many women now work outside the home and contribute to the household income, while many men are more involved in parenting and household chores.

Whether you embrace, adapt, or reject traditional gender roles, You need to understand your partner’s perspective. It will help you to approach these issues with respect, empathy, and mutual understanding.

Discussing gender roles before marriage can also help you determine if you are compatible with this topic or have differing views.

20. How do we handle household responsibilities and chores?

Discussing who will be responsible for specific chores, how often they should be done, and how you’ll handle tasks that require joint effort sets a clear framework for your shared responsibilities.

This will help avoid future disagreements or misunderstandings on who is responsible for what. Whether you choose to distribute work evenly, play to each other’s strengths, or take a different strategy, answering this question ensures that you approach household obligations with respect, cooperation, and a sense of shared purpose.

Conclusion

Making the decision to marry is a major step, and before you take that trip down the aisle, you must pause and ask heart-to-heart questions. These are the pillars of a strong marriage that will survive the test of time.

Remember, the goal isn’t to find the mythical “perfect marriage.” It’s about forming a relationship in which you both feel entirely in sync. It’s about getting to know each other’s dreams, values, and hopes on a ‘deep’ level.

So, go ahead and answer these questions. You’re not simply planning a wedding but setting the stage for a lifetime of shared dreams, support, and a love that grows stronger with each passing day.

20 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

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